woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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