Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
