the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
