My friends, they love my intelligence
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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