watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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