Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
