a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
