i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
