Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
