Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
