I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
