im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You have to summon your inner elephant
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
