Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
