Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
