what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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