that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
