Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
