just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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