I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
