Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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