How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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