To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
