i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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