im drinking this country out of the recession.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
