So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
