i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
