I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize