He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
