And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
