Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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