I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
