I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Everyone says I win the strip club
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
