i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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