Is it normal to miss your booty call?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
