We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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