on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
