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This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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