i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
