Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
