The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I need a burrito and a hug.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
