So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
