Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize