He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
