Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
