I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
