Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
