I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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