Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
