just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
