I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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