I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize