i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
