I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
