when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
As shirtless as possible
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
