i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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